The past year and a half has been a bumpy ride at best, so many changes, doors closing, doors opening, people turning away and arms opened wide. It is a journey I started almost 2 years ago now, although really I think I have been taking tippy toe steps towards the start line for a long time. Its just that I reached start with a heave ho and crash. Well actually, there was a small start and the a real whammy starter last March. And it has been such an inspiring, emotional, eye opening, heart wrenching walk.
And I sit in my room this wintery day, candles lit, red wine beside me trying to make heads or tails of the melancholy that has been lingering for days now. Is it sadness of the losses of the past two years, and there have been many. My heart has been broken and I am still not too sure it understands what the next move is. I have been disillusioned by people and had to face some hard and unsettling truths as I have had to see the world for what it is. Not my rose tinted glasses version. The hard truth. You see Im a glass half full or more now a glass is refillable kinda girl. I believe in the good of all and will see the light way before anything else. And the blows I have dealt with have tempered my rose tinted glasses. Sometimes it is just too scary to pick them up and put them on as my world is no longer the world I know and felt safe and comfortable in. The pillars I have always leaned on, looked up to, felt safe and loved with and no longer pillars. And I am struggling to rebuild them as I have changed so much and my perceptions have changed along with them.
Learning about your innermost self and the path that created that self is both liberating and frightening. You get to understand who you are and why you are. And some of those insights are tough and raise questions that you dont really want to answer. I have found such strength in myself through the darkness and am amazed at how well I can cope and manage without my pillars. But it is scary too as I start to question things I would never have dreamt of questioning. And therein lies my current state of melancholy, as I start to look at my journey, where it has taken me, and where it is I am at this moment. And question everything. I am constantly wondering, reevaluating, constantly unsure if my expectations, wants, needs are realistic or fantasy. How do you know> Once upon a time I was happy and content, and then my world started to tip and shift and the floor fell out from under me. And the ground I stand on now is of my own making, it is fragile and uncertain, questioning, and in need of a sturdy foundation. And I\m just not sure the foundation is strong enough.
Lately all I want to do is grab my group of girl friends and escape to a house in the country and just be. Not mom or wife or employee, just me. I want to sit on a deck facing a mountain and meadows and watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee in my hand to wish the day well and the sunset with a glass of wine to salute the starts as the are sprinkled across the night sky. I want to live and laugh and love with no cares so that the load of worry and hurt and uncertainty and anxiety that weighs me down might melt away. I need the sun to glow from inside me again, to feel comfortable, happy, loved, content without looking sideways or behind for something that will take it away. And yes, I know it sounds very fanciful and irresponsible but it is the image my heart has been drawing for a while now that I can see the crisp white linen bedsheets, I can see the flowers in the field and smell the coffee, feel the sun on my face as I smile and laugh with those close to me / that build me up and wipe away my tears.
And as I feel the questions and worry churn my thoughts I know there are some hard questions I need to ask and answer. But I don\t want to just yet, am not sure of my answers or the way forward.