I trawl Facebook and am positively addicted to Instagram (it satisfies my creative eye I think) and I follow other bloggers who I have seen at the 2 Meet ups I have been to, and each time I think to myself I really need to buckle up and write. And you know, it’s not that I don’t want to, or don’t have any topic (because my head is overflowing!), but I just don’t have time. And yes, I know everyone says if you really want to do something you will make the time but honestly guys, sometimes it is just not possible.
So much has happened in the last year and a half, so many changes, moves, heartaches and joy, ups and downs, that I don’t even know where to begin. I must admit I don’t know where to begin. What I can tell you though is that the hamster wheel of life is out of control. I know we are all on some sort of hamster wheel ( and if you aren’t you are truly blessed) but mine seems to have gone into overdrive lately. And the scary thing is while my life spins at a pace I can barely manage I have no idea what to do to slow it down. And I try, I take counsel – every 2nd week or so I meet with my awesome psychologist – and bless her, last week she looked at me and said she’s worried I’m about to crash but when I described my days/weeks, even she wasn’t sure where I could cut a few corners and tone things down a bit. I make lists at work when I am overwhelmed and in a mild state of panic, at home, I start to clean (not such a bad thing really!).
I sat chatting with a friend the other evening, as we watched our kids play hockey, each of us going through how the past week had been for each of us, and reflecting on how chaotic it all was. But honestly how does one slow things down? My husband, who works for himself, seems busier during the week and a recent partnership sees him working Friday to Sunday. It feels like we never see each other. His days are busier which means he is rarely able to collect the boys from school before I finish work, he works from Friday afternoon until Sunday so I am once again a full-time single parent for the weekend. And like many moms I am “in charge” of the boys during the week – homework, lunch boxes, sports kit, uniforms, baker man money, outings etc – all this is “my job”. As it is I am up just after 5 am each weekday to get myself partially ready before I wake the boys. Two days a week they need to be at school before 7 am for hockey practice which means we leave home by 6:30 at the latest and often don’t get home before 5 pm. And then it is nagging to get them to change out of their uniforms, unpack their bags, check their tog bags and do homework. And then the drama of ensuring bags are packed for the next day, school uniforms are laid out for the morning etc. By the time the boys turn in for the night I am finished.
I have not managed to get to yoga this year and decided it was time to change that. I have made it to exactly ONE class. And I miss it, my body misses it, my soul misses it. I have had it in my head that I would try and start “running” again with a potential big goal in mind. Well, that too has not quite worked out either as I get home each evening and barely make it through dinner and homework. Yet I have this hankering to do trail running and look at doing a longer race next year, but at the moment I can’t see how.
So this leaves me wondering, as I did often as a child, what is it all for? I mean really, if you think about it – we live our lives, some have very tough circumstances and others don’t, many of us have families that we put all our energy and resources into, and eventually, we die. What on earth is the point of it all?? I feel like my hamster wheel I am running on is about to fly off its rails.
At work recently I popped into a meeting where we had a speaker who was talking about noticing and working on the good, the positive, rather than the bad. And so much of what she said resonated. Why is it that we all strive to be “normal” and compare ourselves to others when we should be working to our strengths and in this way make our “weaknesses” less important. Wouldn’t it be great if we could find the good in people and situations rather than the bad? Assume an action was done with a good intention rather than a bad one. See the glass as half full rather than half empty (or as refillable which is the new thing)?